This post is a bit of an expansion of the theme of this blog. In my first couple months of blogging at the end of 2012, the theme of my blog was ‘Next Practices in Commercial Real Estate.” With the start of a new year, I have expanded that theme to ‘Next Practices in Life, Business, and Commercial Real Estate.” I’ve moved the blog to a new self-hosted platform (thanks Michael Hyatt). I’ve got a new look. And now I’m expanding the content. I hope you like it!
Good Behavior
I’ve had a crush on my wife – still do – since the day I laid eyes on her. I was 10 years old in youth church choir. She sings like an angel, and I liked being around girls that could sing like an angel. It took me 8 years to ask her out. Two reasons caused the delay. I was sort of a dork, and she was intimidatingly beautiful – still is! After 5 years of me proving that she is the most forgiving person on the planet, we got married. (This is by far the most condensed version of ‘our story’ that I’ve ever pulled off).
A couple of weeks ago we celebrated our 12th Anniversary. I can hear you gasping that I can’t be old enough to be married that long! No? Well, thanks anyway.
We spent the weekend away in Nashville and left the kids at home. We had one purpose – enjoy each other’s company. No agenda other than one reservation at the Melting Pot for our anniversary dinner. After 12 years of marriage, I think we have found our sweet spot. Here are 9 key that can help you find yours. And forgive me if I come at this from the perspective of the husband.
- Never commit the sin of 50/50 give take – If I had to make a list of one, this would be it. I submit to you that love is selfless – completely. The entire premise of 50/50 give-take is you are being selfish 50% of the time. There is a better way and that is 100/100 give-give. Imagine what your marriage would look like if 100% of the time you made decisions for what your spouse gets out it. And she did the same in return? 100% of the time you would be satisfied – blown away, really – while being totally selfless. It doesn’t get any better than that. Pipe-dream? Maybe, but that is what we shoot for, and it is sweet when it works. All of our conflict is born from one of us (normally me) going selfish on the other.
- Become a student of your wife – I would say guys aren’t good at this naturally. However, we need to know our wives. What does she like to do on a date? Where does she like to eat? What is her favorite song? What is her favorite sort of gift? How often does she need to get away from the kids and recharge? Does a back rub communicate love to her? What about flowers? If your relationship is a bank account, are you in the red? There is a great new app to help guys with this called Book On Her. I highly recommend it.
- Always speak positively of your wife – I hear guys all the time speak poorly of their wives in front of other people. You should slap yourself for this. Always speak positively of your wife. It is a great opportunity to build her up and strengthen your relationship. You can knee-cap her or make her feel like a million bucks.
Normal Behavior
- Learn her love language – then use it! – Millions of people have read Gary Chapmanss book The 5 Love Languages. My wife’s primary love languages are gift-giving and quality time. Mine are not. If I want to love on her, I need to communicate that love in her languages by giving gifts and spending time with her. Too many of us try to love on our spouses in our love language verses theirs. This goes back to key number 1 and key number 2 above.
- Set up adultery guard rails – Too many great men have fallen because they were stupid. I’m not that great or that smart. If it can happen to others it can happen to me. So, set boundaries that can protect your marriage from adultery. I won’t have lunch with a woman other than my wife. I won’t ride alone in a car with a woman who isn’t my wife, mother, or other family member. These may sound overly strict, but the down side is too great. It’s just not worth it. You should spend time putting up guard rails for your marriage. They don’t have to be the one’s I use.
- Don’t flirt with other women – I almost didn’t include this, but I see it happen too often. My goal is for my wife to never question my love to her and my commitment to our marriage and family. Flirting simply undermines this. And the best way to shut down someone who is flirting with you is to talk about how awesome your wife is.
- Get her away – Nothing does more to bless and recharge my wife then getting her away from those that ask her a million questions a day. I don’t do this enough.
- Love on your kids – I don’t think I’ve ever communicated this to my wife, but I love how she looks at me when I’m playing with our kids. I feel like the look says, “My husband rocks!” Maybe that looks says, “he’s nuts,” but I don’t think so.
- Make the bed – Do the dishes. Help fold the laundry. These are all ways to make relational deposits into your marriage that keep your account in the black. One night my wife had dinner with some of her friends. I put the kids to bed and then cleaned the bathrooms. I need to do that one again – that was good night!
So I ask you – what do you do that enriches your marriage? How intentional are you about pouring into the most important earthly relationship that you have? What would you add to this list?
Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.